the problem with not being able to communicate
is that it’s all about breathing
and we don’t breath
and we don’t let conversations be idol and instead
we watch each other lips to see when it’s our turn to talk
to take a relaxing breath – I did – I stepped outside and breathed in the cold cool air because it snowed at my house today so I stepped into the safety of my back yard and breathed the cool clear air
because I had taken a really deep and cleansing spiritual breath the night before – and if you felt something funny in your head between 8:00 and 9:00 Pacific Time – the Vancouver BC to LA California time zone that Vancouver is behind a decade in someway and ahead a century in others
You see – I’ve really been getting in yoga lately.
More the spiritual aspects because I’ve been experiencing things that I can’t explain through any scientific means and these things, did not make sense to me until after the book exchange with Jenny.
Which is why I wrote that I got the better end of the deal, even though Jenny won the book exchange round one.
Because I was starting to get some ideas about religion and I am not a religious person – but you can’t live in a multicultural society dominated by American culture and not understand religion – especially if you put in as much effort as I do to avoid religion.
So here’s what’s funny to me – and there’s only one person who’s going to know why it’s funny and I don’t think she reads my blog – although I asked her to send me an email with the word “no” as the only reply requested.
You can look at me and know that I do not do yoga – I am overweight but I am flexible – I even ran down 15 flights of stairs – just to see how fast I could do it – about 3 minutes – alone in the stair well.
I was doing a self fire drill – because – well, that’s another story saved for a different blog.
And most people imagine their Oscar speeches and mention their high school acting teacher.
My High School acting teachers in Sardis Senior Secondary were nice people – especially Wag – who when he cast a play – and two of us got the signals crossed – he left me play the daughter and the hot girl the mother – just to see how different a take that I could do on the character.
I amazed me how many students came up to me to say how much better they thought I was than the hot girl who did the role in the second acting class – I was a more beleiveable scottish peasant spinter who would have been a fishwife.
I had three acting teachers in high school – a Hippie male – a granola female and a mean girl female teacher.
But the acting teachers that play such a forceful role for me – were the ones in university – where I met Buddha Fag and Bitchy Fag.
Only my Hippie High School Teacher seemed to see through my vauge persona to the potential that I had inside me – because I was never shy about doing any role against my physical type or against expectations or against how the rest of the class did the same parts or monologs.
At least, he was the only one who said – don’t judge anyone, because you never know what’s real for the people in the room.
This after I was trying to distract a friend from memorizing her lines and I sat on the bench beside her, my arm drapped over her shoulder and me leaning in close to breath intimately into her ear.
She naturally, knowing that I was trying to distract her – totally ignored me – it was an amazing and silent performance – that one other student in the class – saw the lesbian baby dyke flirting with a baby stone butch – maybe she was straight and secure – hard to tell in retrospect – we were only 16 and we weren’t even friends outside of acting class – so I am pretty sure that whatever they saw the student and the teacher who corrected her – saw what potential there was to see – that us participants in the scene – were really not aware of.
At least, I knew that I wasn’t actually flirting with the girl – but I sure enjoyed the reaction that I got by doing it.
So the Buddha Fag acting teacher in university – as part of acting class – he taught us yoga poses – deep breathing, relaxing, digging deep – I and only have to learn something once and it becomes a part of me – so – I am going to tell you two things that I have only talked to my spouse about – and there’s one person out there – probably not reading my blog because I have not seen her for years – who knows that these are both true.
I am a skeptic – I do not put any stick in mystical or spiritual matters.
But I have been experiencing things that all my science knowledge and experience cannot explain.
I told the story on the blog about my 7th grade science class opening of the vacuum ball and no one has been able to explain how I did it – ever – in my whole life.
I know I visualized and it opened – there was a big bang, windows, papers, arms wide open.
People staring at me in open mouthed shock – my favorite expression in the whole world – other than total groking of my vibe.
And there is one person who is in my audience and I alone have seen her face when she watches me – and I get a warm moist feeling in my whole being when I see that look on her particular face.
Because rocking worlds is not remotely comparable to groking worlds.
And the sweetest tone is the one between bittersweet and bitter….laments without regrets.
So I thought that I was having a religious epiphany because of what I was experiencing, but I realized that it was just yoga. That I learned in university as acting exercises- and so I can now know that what I am experiencing is totally natural – and it’s the feeling of freedom, liberty and more than the pursuit but the attainment of happyiness
because there is nothing like the feeling of knowing that you have absolute and total control over who is and who is not welcome to
well, help themselves into your bed
and knowing that there’s no way that anyone can make you be fuckable when you’re not in the mood to be fucked with
and then I realized that it was kind of a religious epiphany – because there’s also the thought that no one has the right to say who or how many or how often you should be able to invite into your bed
because so much that we do or put into our bodies is bad for us – but human body parts are natural – there’s no harm in touching ourselves or each other – with permission and approval – it’s all negotiable
and if you are allowing anyone to dictate to you – that you have not contracted an exclusive arrangement with – or worse – you are allowing someone to dicatate to you about who, how, often etc that you are not in a personal relationship with – then you have a big problem to overcome.
Letting people you don’t know tell you what you can or can’t do to yourself in the privacy of your shower or bedroom – or with anyone you invite to join you or any number that you invite to join you and or you/yours – whatever floats your boat – hey – as long as it;s safe, sane and consensual – anything should go without comment, opinion or editorial of anyone who wasn’t specifically invited – and accepted said invitation.
so breath – enjoy sex and every now and then, ladies, when no one is looking – just go ahead and pee in the shower.
Men do it all the time – and it’s amazing how liberating peeing where you stand and being cleansed at the same time by hot water – can feel.
so now – learn to breathe
