How to know when…

It is a difficult thing to stand outside of or against a group who, if not standing united, are at least standing as one and, as if, the group is right. A convoluted, might makes right stance at the very least.

Any one of a group who advocates change is standing against the larger group who is resistant to change, because they either benefit or at least, is not harmed by the status quo. The larger group who can, if not behind the status quo, are at least willing to go along with it because it meets their needs.

It is easy at first to stand alone if you are harmed by the status quo, to advocate for inclusiveness, for change.

But when change is resisted firmly or even violently, it becomes harder to continue to stand alone against the group. But once started, you can only stand your ground or fold in the face of opposition.

It’s a difficult situation of a rolling boil, to continue to stand and demand equality or to fold, cave in, be crushed – denied not only equality but the ability to seek and obtain it. It’s more than being denied equality, it’s being disallowed even consideration for equality. It’s confirmation of your outcast, less deserving or undeserving status.

This is partly when picking and choosing your battles comes into play – if you can live with inequality conditions, it’s sometimes best not to stand and be subjected to sanction or mobbing by the group.

If you take a stand to stand against, you are committing yourself for the long haul and it is vital to pick your causes as being worthy of the cost of standing up for them. Because groups resist change, even when the change is beneficial.

That is what you must hold onto to keep upright, to fight the good fight. For good.

Because how do things get better if the good people all leave or don’t try?

When a workplace is entrenched conflict between management and employees – how can they get better when the people most passionate about work simply leave for better or,  at least, other workplaces. How do societies shed discrimination, repression, inequity if no one stands and demands equality and fair treatment?

If instead of people standing up and saying “Not only is the emperor not wearing clothes, but he’s nekkid and butt ugly on top of it;”  – they just left or said nothing – there is no hope of ever improving and only steadily worsening for people who are unable to – or worse, less and less able to over time – move or to speak out against injustice.

If people don’t speak out, the (corporate) culture continues to become incestuous and the rate of decline increases until even hires at work or new generations in society are trapped in the black cesspool of diminishing return and increasing conflict. An increase which only invites dangerous and desperate actions, depending on the context.

For this context, I will say that I am experiencing what I have come to call a meta-existential crisis of extreme stressors and have lost any sense of magnitude – because post traumatic stress will do that to you.

Aside: I say meta-existential, because a regular existential crisis is just facing your own mortality, and in the meta-crises, you realize that your civilization will also die out – so what purpose can there be to individual lives compared to the collective death of the end of civilization?

It’s very easy to beleive that life has a purpose when life is going well – it’s much harder when life isn’t going well – so finding a purpose when life seems most hopeless would seem the path to finding said purpose – you can determine when all things are equal, which is what the loss of a sense of magnitude is – and nothing is hopeful – to find that strength to continue on no matter that there seems to be no purpose. Life is its own purpose perhaps…

While the purpose of our own lives is whatever we find that keeps up putting one foot in front of the other regardless of the ultimate destination or there not being one at all.

It’s a Keats idea – the Romantic poet or maybe it was the Cavalier poets – who’s philosophy was that it was easy to be depressed when the weather was crappy and things were bad, but it takes a professionally depressed person to feel that way when the sun shone and the flowers bloomed, because we know that it will rain and the flowers rot – so there’s melancoly even in the most glorious of days, to the Athlete, dying young – best to die at your peak, so to never know failure and despair

But I think, the truth of life lies very much in that direction – because living well is the best revenge, and forgiveness is more about unhooking yourself from your tormentors and living well despite their best efforts to prevent you……

After all, what does it matter if I am going to die, when whole civilizations rise and decline and often disappear from history with barely a shard of pottery as a reminder.

There’s just over 7 billion people currently living on the earth, and estimates that in all of history, there’s been 104 billion humans – but then, what do humans matter when there’s been mass extinctions of most of the life that’s been on the earth. The earth will continue on, without or with humans, never mind any particular human.

For most of the 7 billion humans on the planet, life is a hard scrabble existence to get enough food and safe shelter, getting by day by day, with nothing less than survival as the daily goal.

There is no grand purpose to be attained with that kind of existence – and the moaning about not having a purpose in life is something left to the people for whom the daily struggle to continue surviving is forgotten, too distant from their existence. Moaning about a purpose a false way to mirror the genuine crisis state of less fortunate people

The modern Mea Culpa of white Liberal guilt for having it so much better than other people, but I think this is often why it’s liberals who place so much more emphasis on equality and fairness – they aren’t comfortable having so much while knowing others have so little.

The very opposite of religious people who are looking forward to heaven, even knowing and believing that others will be in hell. As if, heaven couldn’t be enjoyable any other way.

People being bullied, discriminated against, repressed and terrorized offends my sense of fairness and justice. It offends my sense of the social contract of what it is to be Canadian, which is a social contract where there is a social safety network, where people aren’t supposed to fall through the cracks – not because there aren’t cracks, but because no one is supposed to be ground down into them.

Often, the only way I can remain upright in the face of almost overwhelming opposition is to remind myself that while I am primarily standing up for myself – there is a line of people behind me who are also bullied in the workplace, who maybe aren’t as capable as I am to stand up for myself – who are not used to standing apart and in opposition to “the system”.

In many ways, being an atheist and a lesbian has been good training to stand alone, against the social norms, against the majority – because being mobbed is being bullied by the majority. So being bullied is not that different from suffering individual because of systemic discrimination against the group you belong to. Something that in a workplace where diversity is supposed to be valued, in a country that promotes itself as multi-cultural – shouldn’t be subjecting people to systemic discrimination. Yet, discrimination remains ghosted in the machinery of society.

Being a lesbian involved in the grassroots political movement to seek equality and legal recognition of said equality has taught me that the system can be changed to be inclusive. In the early 1990’s it was legal to be fired if your employer knew you were gay – and I was fired twice in the private sector when my employers found out I was a lesbian – and I had no legal recourse.

By 2004, not only was it no longer possible to fire anyone for being gay, but there could be no denying promotions, housing, military service was possible and so was marriage. In my lifetime, I grew up with rights, lost them when I came out as a lesbian and slowly over a decade and a half, got the rights back.

So it boggles the mind on a level to think that my employer expects me to allow them to trample these hard re-gained rights. It boggles my brain that I have acted in accordance with the workplace policies and reported wrong doing, reported how I have been impacted – and instead of correcting the situation, the situation has been entrenched, escalated and worsened by management’s tactic of deny, delay and discipline; me that is, not the people I’ve reported.

It boggles my mind that the manager whom I have filed the grievances against is permitted to be the manager who hears the grievances, as if only the appearance of a conflict of interest is to be avoided, while actual conflicts of interests are apparently normal operating procedure.

It boggles my mind that following the rules of the workplace and the procedures of the corrective processes fail to end the bullying or correct the situation. My policy wonk tendencies are traumatized and I have no other fallback means of working through the situation. Emotional and logical approaches provided no relief – so what options do I have?

It is difficult to be homeless and agoraphobic.

So I stand and I fight the good fight, no matter the cost – because there is no living under the alternative.

My purpose in life, reveals itself, in the context of my life. Nothing less than the good fight for equality.

6 thoughts on “How to know when…

  1. *sigh*… I too tend to keep up the good fight for equality, but I couldn’t recommend that to others, because it does bring additional difficulties… yet, it is almost the only way to bring about the necessary change, in the workplace or anywhere else. I am learning nowadays about a different method, this is why I say ‘almost the only way’, but i am not yet so good at it, so I prefer not to advocate it as long as I am not absolutely sure it works, although until now it does seem to do, which is extremely encouraging.

    • I’d like to know when you sort it out.

      For me, fighting the good fight is the only option.

      I always find it strange when it’s reported that a person lost their brave battle with some illness – because I keep thinking, they are being respected for doing the only thing that they could have.

      I don’t understand getting kudos for that.

  2. Nina, good luck with this. I hope you are able to leave the problems and conflicts of your workplace there when you go home at night, clear your mind, and find some joy in your life. I also hope you can get some arbitration that is fair. To have the person against whom you have complained be the arbiter of that complaint sounds positively Orwellian. Or is it Kafkaesque?

    • It gets better, I don’t work in the private sector, but for the federal government.

      So managers above the manager are circling the wagons – and the national HQ is dithering on decisions and settlement.

      I have one part of the complaint awaiting decision by an independent department – but that could be 6 months from now for a decision.

      I am not currently in the workplace – I am applying for disability leave – the panic and anxiety attacks are crippling – not to mention the disoriented thinking that I am experiencing – although, as one former supervisor said, me at half capacity is still more productive than most people at full capacity.

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