Meta Extentialist Experience

I am three years into a vicious workplace conflict that has caused me to have what I am calling a meta-existential crisis.

Regular existential crisis are what purpose or meaning can life have when you eventually die? But I think that is a small concern when you consider that since civilizations live and die, what purpose or meaning can individual lives have? Or whole planets, solar systems…. nothing is so bad that taking the extreme long view or biggest possible picture can’t make it worse.

I am experiencing a change in perception and sensory perceptions that I have no correlating experience for, other than the dramatic time perception shift that occurs when you think you might die during periods of actual possibility of death.

I have experienced the slowing of time as if a frame by frame advance with intermixed still scenes from my earlier life flashing before my eyes twice in my life – in both cases, I had no control over the situation (someone else was driving in one and I was drowning, being held underwater by someone thinking they were playful in the other)

At times when my life was in danger, and I was in control of the situation, I did not experience the frame by frame or life flashbacks, but rather a slightly slower than usual time, but more vivid detail of the event – several near fatal and barely avoided accidents in which I was a driver. While actual time didn’t change, my relationship to time changed, and these memories are more vivid and detailed, even though they are flashes.

I think that having a degree of control over the outcome is what makes a difference between the two experiences.

In any event, I am no longer experiencing time in a real/analog manner, but rather as variable speed and compression – life feels like a digital playback that I can alter by altering my perception, brain chemistry and by meditation.

I can’t reverse time, but I am not entirely sure that I didn’t die in November 2010 and everything from a particular date/event is my dying brain playing out an unrealizable possible future; so I regularly seek reality validation from other people is necessary to convince myself that it’s well after November 2010, and this is real.

Whatever this is and whatever real is….

So the question I have is, has anyone else experienced an existential crisis or had a collapse of your entire belief/faith system?

By faith, I am not meaning religious – but rather faith in a system you had trust in – I am basically a policy wonk who has been betrayed by the offices of authority, which, I am still to humiliated to go into.

(beware anyone with a manifesto)

Suffice to say, that my employer psychologically assaulted and took away my personal sovereignty and for several hours, I was without any civil rights – something that, as a lesbian, I am particularly sensitive to, having only had full civil rights since 2003 – when I was 35.

(when I was the ideal principle version if me)

So, I have been experiencing shifts in perception and time and these have manifest as physical as well as sensory experiences.

{as the ideal compromises – or learns to -(the to and fro wobble)}

Particularly when my mind is in an altered state by medication or blood sugar levels (also diabetic, so being sugar high makes me a bit loopy).

The physical sensations are like being a dishrag that is bent and twisted, complete with pulling, heat and twisting sensations – either as a whole body experience – and I feel compelled to turn in three or four loops when I am walking or to walk in small tight circles.

The number seven and pairs of numbers that add up to seven seem very significant for unclear reasons, with a suggestion of being phases or states.

These occur when I feel close to some kind of revelation of understanding, and it feels like some kind of truth or understanding will bubble to the top of my awareness from the depth of the experiences percolating deep in my mind, colliding and mashing until they make sense or give rise to a new understanding – often, it’s in parallel to the TV program or movie characters that feel like guides to humanity – I only watch DVD, so am selecting the programs being watched, not channel surfing – so sometimes, I feel compelled to watch particular shows, as if to be reminded of a particular revelation or understanding.

For example, Farscape, the US/Australian TV show is basically an existential crisis of the lead character who is thrown from earth into a strange universe and he has to decide who to trust, what matters and brings the universe to the brink of extinction if the parties won’t abide by what John has determined matters.

Deep Space Nine is the blue collar of STNG that comes into its Starfleet frontier to final conflict – High Noon at the Alpha-Gamma Quadrant Saloon – Quark’s That Is. Quark’s Saloon.

now, I can find a lot of information about existentialism, but nothing on what it sense sensor {sensually} and physically feels like

I think that people throughout history have had them, and what they have understood to matter and have meaning from the crisis are obvious and plain truths to anyone who wants to take a breath and think for a while.

I think that these experiences have been mis-characterized as religious experiences and are the experience behind the idea of revealed truth – rather than a crisis and self evident truth (in the context of the crisis, [at the every least,] if not the actual {as {it turns out} it happens truth as well.)

That it wasn’t enough for the person to gain an understanding and become a better person, but they or someone who heard them, sought to gain wealth and power by leveraging the obvious – work and play well with others type understanding – into a religion and give it a sheen of authority and mighty by adding “and god said so; so obey or else suffer the consequences by the god I claim told me so.”

(because seeing for yourself is the only certainty that one can be sure of…)

I think that it is these truths that are in all religions because they are truth and have been incorporated in the religions, rather than the religions based on the truth, since religion is not about truth, but consolidating power and wealth for very little work contribution to the group.

(and seeing enough to be able to understand what others see…)

In any event, I can’t stay on focus, because I cannot filter information – cognitive disinhibition – everything is meaningful and not and everything is relative and related, so nothing is.

Anyways, when I get close to the bigger, game changing understanding, the physical whole body sensations of being twisted and rung like a dishcloth, shrinks down to the sensations being scaled for just my head, and my jaw moves and cracks and I feel like the bones of my skull are shifting like tectonic plates, my vision blurs, my muscles strain and I taste blood in my mouth and my teeth ache in my jaw

I can understand that a person would interpreted these as being a religious touched by god experience, but the ideas and understanding are not out of line with reality and often affirming of ideal reality, they are organic and are my own intuitive leaps and understanding of how I would like the world to be

and how the world is not

okay that was a ratchet paradigm shift, owie owie owie

seismic skull clatter

writing this is making me experience what I am trying to describe

and maybe there’s a reason no one describes the sensations

it means that someone will phone the nice young men in the clean white coats…….