I’ve had a few days to tenderly hold the realization that I am not deserving of punishment, to protect it from harsh wind, to savour the smokey smell and to slowly blow the flames of realization into meaningfulness.
After three years of being subjected to “alleged workplace bullying”, I realize that I have been Pavlovian programmed to expect punishment for anything that I do; no matter what I do.
This is the level of general anxiety that I’ve been living with, and it arose from the disproportionate responses to my actions and statements. Why I crumble in the face of mere resistance, why I’ve been unable to assert myself.
Because asserting yourself is to say that you matter – and the way that I have experienced how I have been treated – bullied, threatened, given no meaningful work but rather duplicate or busy work and when these weren’t enough to break me, worse behaviours that I don’t care to go into – but suffice to say that I was required to undergo several assessments imposed by the employer, and that each of them as concluded that I am a competent and capable person;
I have to wonder why I keep having to prove that when it seems to not occur to anyone that if a competent/capable person keeps saying that there’s wrongdoing in the workplace, why isn’t anyone looking into the workplace environment?.
Finally, when I was on vacation, rather than take the opportunity to cool it down, my employer took steps to force me out of the workplace and off work for mental disability – general anxiety, panic disorder, PTDS, mild then and moderate now agoraphobia and depression. Clinical and manic varieties.
So starting to recover from general anxiety is a huge step forward, because it means that I am accepting that I matter. I am a being of consequence, deserving of appropriate treatment and in- kind/appropriate responses.
The Spouse has been vital to me in re-calibrating my brain to correct for the workplace imbalance. To accept The Spouse’s kindness and love as what I can not only expect but rely on – to interact with family, friends, strangers – and relearn how it is to interact with people, not expecting badness or goodness – but measured or matter of fact responses, and to begin to express myself in ways to elicit a range of responses, to rebuild my understanding of human behaviours and be able to place them in a continuum of behaviors that are connected to what I do and say.
And be able to determine in some measure, how people are likely to react and respond to what I do and say.
To relearn social interactions, because my connection to other people was taken away by the unpredictable and extreme responses, denial and evasions, and continued harrassment, bullying and wrongdoing that I alleged was in fact going on in the workplace – and to date – has never been investigated properly.
Because – while people are presumed innocent until proven guilty is a truism – it is what is supposed to happen at the TRIAL STAGE – not the initial investigation stage.
So, it’s no surprise or any wonder to me – why women generally do not report when they are raped or why gays and lesbians and other minorities do not bother to report hate crimes.
When the investigators of allegations – take the Innocent until proven guilty – and basically put the claimant – who has already been victimized – on trial and presume they are liars – effectively, calling them guilty and protecting those who caused them to be victims and complainants (not complainers) in the first place.
So there is something very wrong with the Justice System – and it’s not just in the criminal arenas – but with how we fail to fulfill our legal and moral obligations to the people who are victimized in the first place.
Nina's Garden 