While I am a happily married lesbian now, it wasn’t always the case. My early romances were, well, all over the map. But, I wouldn’t trade that crush on any woman who happened along phase for anything – it was an exciting if exhausting time.
And, I learned a lot. Not just naughty stuff, but about people and life.
My first rule for potential relationships is never fall in love with anyone who’s already in love with someone straight, dead or else.
There is an unease in the gay community about bisexuals – partly fear and partly jealousy. Or at least, when I came out in the 90’s there was, I can only hope it’s not so much now.
But mostly because we were jealous that bisexuals could access straight privilege and afraid to be left by them for an opposite gender person – being left for another woman would hurt, but you could think, I was the wrong woman – being left for a man? Well, why the heck were they with me if that’s what they wanted.
It took me a few bi girlfriends to understand that it’s not fence sitting or fickle, but rather a genuine non-judgmental sexuality where it really was about the person, not the plumbing.
It was good that I learned that, because it let me really give back to a woman I was introduced to at a time when I really wanted a girlfriend.
A lesbian friend of mine tried to set me up with a friend of hers. I say tried, because she’d brought this gal along to a group outing without telling me it was a set up.
The gal was in a relationship with a man (living together) and was thinking she might be bi.
She was very confused since the people she talked to the boyfriend and our mutal friend both wanted her to pick sides. The boyfriend obviously wanted her to be straight, while the lesbian friend refused to believe in bisexuals and tried to influence her to be a lesbian.
And that’s where I came in. We talked, we danced and had a fun time – and when she was leaving the dance, I walked her outside to wait for her ride home to arrive.
She was nervous to be alone, and being the generous sort that I am, I put the cards on the table.
“Do you want me to kiss you now or when your roommate comes for show?”
“Now” she said, “I don’t want an audience.”
I was happy to be her first girl kiss, and it was pretty magical.
But then, she felt guilty and admitted that it was her roommate and her boyfriend who were due to arrive.
I told her that I had known, that our mutual lesbian friend had explained the situation to me.
I asked her if she was willing to leave the guy to explore her new identity and she said no.
I asked her if she’s given up other men for him – of course she said
So why does it matter if you’re happy with him that you’ve also given up women?
The relief that flooded her face and body was amazing.
I saw her another time for a friendly coffee and I went to a cafe where she was having an art show. I can only hope it’s as sweet a memory for her as it was for me.
Mostly I am glad that I was able to give her permission to enjoy her heterosexual relationship without guilt or pressure.
It’s funny to me how many times that I have been asked to give people permission to live the life that they want to; and every time, it’s been about sexuality.
If there’s anything a person should know about themselves, it’s sexuality. Know what you’re attracted to, what you like, and don’t be afraid to be yourself.
It doesn’t matter what you like, as long as you don’t harm other people – unless they give you permission to and establish a safe word.
The religious right has demonstrated over and over that what it fears more than atheists, more than gays/lesbians/bis/trans, more than single unwed mothers – is non-conformists of any kind.
It doesn’t matter how you don’t conform, it’s the non-conforming to what they think is optimal.
It’s as if they so insecure in being publicly straight and married with kids – that they are only validated when they can force everyone to behave or at least act in public like they are too.
You can see it in their eyes: “if everyone just doesn’t have sex before they are married and has kids and stays faithful (or at least doesn’t get caught), then no one has to know that I like kinky sex in front of mixed groups”
Because this is the thing – the more straight laced a person is in public, the more kinky they turn out to be in private.
Now the funny part is that when a member of the religious right is shown to be a hypocrite and does get caught with the dreaded dead girl or live boy – is that they don’t lose their credibility with the rank and file religious right.
This is confusing to the left, because word and deed are supposed to be the same – and being a hypocrite is supposed to matter – it’s supposed to show that the words people say mean nothing.
But that’s not what happens, the left forgets that the religious right is very big on redemption – the only thing better than being pure to the ideals, is failing and redeeming, being born again to those ideals.