Sure, intellectually, we all know that we will each die; but that’s decades away and nothing to concern ourselves with.
That people who know and love will die. Again, it’s tempting to wave it away as being long off, but often, it’s not. It could be as direct as a vehicular accident or as sudden as discovering end stage cancers.
In many ways, a quick, sudden and unexpected death is the best – you have the sudden shock and the aftermath to deal with.
No watching a person waste away for months or years, dying slowly and being removed from life activities by degree – limited by energy, stamina, lucidity. Worse, not even a steady decline, but a rollercoaster of being unwell, stabalizing, getting worse and that becoming the new normal.
Always in denial, always with a smile, pretending as if the new normal is here to stay. Until it doesn’t.
It is a difficult situation, coming to grips with death.
The news is full of brave people fighting and losing battles with failing health, and while good for them, I have to wonder, what’s the option? What is the alternative to being brave and fiercely cheerful, ready to battle to the bitter end, to face the dark night, to take the dirt nap unafraid.
Attitude doesn’t change the outcome, but it might impact the quality of the journey. To feel like you’ve not left any unfinished business; to ensure that no one you love has unfinished business with you.
That’s the rub. Do you talk over the past, no matter how painful? To make sure there was no misunderstanding, to apologize, to justify, to make amends.
Worse, what if there is no memory of the events that haunt you on the part of the other family or friends. Can you let it go? Remind them?
Perhaps death is the perspective needed to remind us of how unimportant that conflict, separation, differences, even long standing family arguments and battles really are.
Which begs the question, when faced with the loss of a loved one – immediate or more slowly, is there a point to rehash the past or should you just get on with the facts on the ground of the present and future?
Elvis and Vegas – the ultimate match.
It was too soon in the 1950’s for Elvis to play there and it was one of his few early career setbacks. His two week booking was reduced to a week. The adult gamblers weren’t interested in any atomic powered singer with the cornpone jokes.
Elvis played in Vegas over the years, having one of his biggest hit records a love song to the city – Viva Las Vegas – as well as filming one of his best and certainly most steamy movies there.
Elvis got married in Vegas and changed Vegas weddings from low brow tacky to classier.
And when the movies stopped serving his career, Vegas was where Elvis returned to a stage for all the world to see him – as Elvis had grown and matured, so had Vegas – from a gambler/mob scene to classier Rat Pack entertainers. The entertainments in Vegas were secondary to the gambling. Elvis changed that.
When Elvis hit the stage, the casinos emptied. Hotels filled up and all of Vegas benefited economically from the surge in tourism with one destination in mind – Elvis.
The early 70’s tours were dynamic. Elvis did new arrangements of familiar songs and introduced his new American Studio sound into the mix. Two concert theatrical documentaries were made. Elvis was the first performer to do a concert at the Houston Astrodome in 1971 and he sold out 6 shows – in 1972, it was 4 shows at Madison Square Garden, New York. This concert phase peaked with the 1973 Aloha Via Satellite TV special – certainly one of the highest rated programs of all time.
But like the movies, the concerts became routine. The set list fossilized, Elvis grew bored and unchallenged by the material. Bored and unchallenged by his career, but still committed to it because of all the people depending on him for a living – as well as his own spending sprees threatening to make the money go faster than he could make it.
Well, if he’d had a proper management deal with Parker – 15 instead of 50 for example, it probably wouldn’t have been any different. Elvis just would have spent more or Vernon would have made more bad investments for Elvis.
In early 1950’s interviews, Elvis often focused on what he could do with this success for his parents. It surprised reporters, since the expected answers would have been artistic goals – not establishing a middle class standard of living.
But in 1975, Elvis was 40 and had done everything and more that he had set out to do and along the way, had lost most of the people he had done it all for.
His mother died young at 46, after experiencing a mere 2 years of Elvis provided prosperity.
Several of the Smith cousins also had early deaths (suicide/alcohol related); Elvis had drawn his earliest circle of protectors from the young men he’d known pre-fame and relatives figured high in those ranks.
Elvis had never really settled on one woman, and there were several serious contenders who, if he had married them, may well have made a difference. June, Anita, Ann-Margaret, later on, Linda – strong women who challenged him.
It has always struck me a little odd, Elvis’ apparent insistence on the stay at home child-bride thing, since the partners he most sparked with were closer to equals to him. But also because his own mother was the centre of his childhood home, his father was never the head of the household.
In the late 70’s, Vernon’s health was worsening and Elvis would be facing a future without his last family. Priscilla had come into her own and moved out, leaving the world’s biggest sex symbol for another man. Lisa gone with her.
His career in a concert rut, his family life in tatters and there being no one around him with leverage, Elvis escaped his grief and pain with drugs.
While Elvis was never a nostalgia act, like many of his 50 and early 60’s comrades were by the 1970’s; Elvis’ shows were getting stagnant. No new songs, rote delivery, rambling mono logs, extended karate demonstrations and a huge middle part of the show being band solos.
The early 70’s concerts were songs from start to finish with a brief introduction of the band. The later 70’s were a few songs, a monologue, a band intro, their solo, another intro, another solo – sometimes Elvis would have the Sweets or JD or someone else do a song and then it was I Can’t Help Falling in Love With You and then left the building.
Elvis had conquered every entertainment media.
He had more gold records than anyone – in fact, he sold so many that they had to set up the RIAA.
He made movies, the first actor to receive a part of the box office, now a standard contract clause. His 33 movies never lost money and underwrote many more artistic films and in one cast, saved United Artists from going bankrupt mid 60’s.
He owned tv – from his Dorsey appearances, to the controversial Milton Berle, to the regrettable Steven Allen to the Ed Sullivan stamp of approval for the “decent, fine boy”. Elvis was the only performer to ever do a gospel number on the Sullivan show. Peace in the Valley, sung as a promise for his mother.
The 68 special was one of the first to have a single performer on the show – no guest stars like other specials – it was at once a long form rock opera, telling the tale of a guitar man trying to find his place in the world, but also foreshadowing music videos for the choreographed numbers that told the guitar man story – and of course, the unplugged portion that was pure Elvis, reunited with 2 of his original band mates, raw and needing to prove himself to himself and by doing so, to all of us.
The 73 special was a straight forward concert, but a technological feat – Elvis live around the world. Well, except in the US where it was broadcast months later.
So, what did he have left?
- massive selling records, done
- sold out concerts and tours, done
- hit movies, done
- TV appearances and specials, done
Like a lot of entertainers, Elvis tried his hand at the other side of the camera – coming up with an idea for a karate documentary/movie that he would narrate and perform in.
But, lacking the business skills and oddly enough, industry connections – Elvis never really trusted Hollywood after they used him and never took him seriously. That ran out of steam too.
As charitable as Elvis was – in donating money to charities, benefit concerts, publicly participating in charity campaigns like the March of Dimes and Blood Donation – he never set up a formal foundation to manage his donations and receive tax benefits from it – and perhaps if he had a foundation, this would have be a source of much pride and satisfaction for him, instead of the ad hoc way he supported charities and gave to individuals.
Sort of like Bill Gates and Warren Buffet now.
By the late 70’s, Elvis had conquered all there was to conquer. Would touring the world really been anything but a short lived boost before falling back into routine?
Elvis was trapped by his inability to challenge authority (funny thing to say about the man who so shook up the 50s), trapped by his inability to stand up for himself and what he wanted despite the evidence that every time he did, it paid off for him.
Elvis was content to coast, Elvis was tormented by the thought of why him, what was he “Elvis” above all others, Elvis had lost so many loved ones and had no more challenges ahead of him. Just more of the same.
Going from hotel to stage to plane to hotel to stage to plane – no wonder he began to not see the world as the fun and amazing place that it is – he wasn’t part of the world anymore.
His army experience may well have been the most broadening of his world – seeing parts of Europe, interacting with a diversity of people, having clear goals and tasks and the closest he got to as an adult to ever being a normal average person.
In the 50’s when he went, it was controversial because of the fans being so upset and the adults gloating how it would set him to rights – by the 70’s his acceptance of army service was made to be something traitorous in left wing media – how could the King of Rock n Roll, the soundtrack of rebellion have allowed himself to be a GI?
Everyone wanted Elvis to be what they wanted him to be and it seems like no one ever considered what he wanted to be as important. Eventually, he just gave up and followed orders. Parker’s, Vernon’s, RCA’s, Hollywood’s, the demands of his employees and other dependents.
Thinking about the Holly Hunter movie, The Piano – a period movie in which the only aspect of her life Hunter’s character has control over is her voice – her power is removed by her father, her husband, and so she chooses to be silent.
Elvis was just as powerless, trapped between all the demanding forces, his only escape and comfort was excess. Extreme spending, extreme food and extreme drugs.
In 1976, Elvis wrote a note and left it crumpled in the Las Vegas Hilton hotel room garbage. It is unclear who retrieved it or put it up for auction, but Wayne Newton bought the note and wrote a song about it.
The note was written during his last set of shows in Vegas, when Elvis also remarked on stage “I hate Vegas.” The Elvis note reads:
I feel so alone sometimes
The night is quiet for me
I’d love to be able to sleep
I am glad that everyone is gone now
I’ll probably not rest tonight
I have no need for all of this
Help me Lord
It seems unimaginable to us regular not famous and not rich folks how anyone who is rich and famous could be unhappy.
But there really isn’t anyone with a problem free life and anything we have for the good, seems to have a counter balanced responsibility, obligation or cost associated with it.
It seems that the problem with having a lot of money is that no amount is ever actually enough. There’s always someone with a bigger mansion, more cars, fancier clothes or whatever.
Having a lot seems to also increase the terror of losing it – after all, it’s a lot farther to fall from a great social height to the bottom than it is from the middle levels. Or the bottom.
It seems for much of Elvis’ life that everyone wanted to be Elvis but Elvis himself.
At age 42, after years of excess and abuse – not only the food and drugs, but the grueling concert tours – Elvis performed over 1000 concerts between 1969 and 1977 – often doing 2 and sometime 3 shows a day.
And that after a decade of 3 movies a year and before that, 2 years of army and the early building concert tours all based on a childhood of grinding poverty and not the best nutrition then, either.
Elvis died of a broken heart, of boredom and propelled by the drugs and lifestyle of excess. Elvis’ mid-life crisis was bound to set a new bar – after all, he’d already had all the fancy cars, rock star status and endless younger girlfriends. Graceland was a man-cave decades before the phrase was coined. Elvis was also a metrosexual back in the 50’s, fancy clothes and wearing mascara, dying his hair.
On his way to the dentist appointment, where Elvis was given codeine. A drug he had an allergy to according to Linda Thompson.
It is possible that this shot as well as some codeine tablets mixed in with his usual excessive amount of drugs was the tipping point.
In a funny way, maybe we needed Elvis to die so we could catch up to him.
It’s hard to be so far ahead of your time period.
I often feel at odds with the pat expressions and meaningless exchanges others seem to not think about.
Like walking by a person you know and they ask “How are you?”, but they keep walking by; not even waiting for the expected “fine” or “good”.
Why not just smiled and nod to acknowledge each other, without the charade of conversation and asking a question when you’re not interested in the answer.
Although, since my response is “better”, often the person will stop in their tracks and become concerned that I’ve been sick. I’ve now taken to saying “bitter”.
But, the meaningless exchange that’s troubling my thoughts is a rather bizzare idea of being comforting.
When a person is depressed about life or are in the middle of a crisis, I just do not understand what possible relevance or how it’s supposed to be comforting that being told that “other people have it worse.”
Yes, for every single person on the planet, there will be others who are suffering more and still others who are having a rather better time of it. And? This is supposed to mean what?
To a person in crisis or depressed, what other people are or are not experiencing isn’t relevant to their situation and isn’t a solution.
When a person invokes the “other people have it worse” is it nullified by “others have it better”?
Are references to these vague “other people” just another way to say, chin up, stiff upper lip and that other soldier on bad advice?
Vague words of comfort are no comfort at all – and certainly, they do not lead towards solutions to the situation.
Maybe the better thing to say to a person who’s suffered a loss is to acknowledge that no words are comforting at this juncture. They are more honest and don’t have the backfire potential that false or meaningless comfort pat phrases do.
(For example, it’s not at all comforting to hear “your grandparent lived a long life” or “at least they are out of pain now”)
Even offers of help don’t really penetrate the greivor’s brain in the moment, but are generally remembered later as a kindness if followed up by helpful actions.
To a person’s who’s depressed about their current circumstances, being told to buck up isn’t helpful because part of depression is low or no resiliance. You simply do not have the mental, emotional and often physical capacity to pull yourself together, so this only invokes guilt that you’ve failed again or fallen short of the minimum requirements.
Shifting the depressed person to thinking about the future instead of dwelling on the current situation – what they want to be different and reverse engineering how to achieve it gives them goals and something to look forward to. More importantly, it’s a plan of action that can restart the resiliancey, energy and capacity needed. Sometimes you just need a chemical helper for your brain chemistry, antidepressants can be a good friend.
Considering people in disaster zones, Katrina, Tsunami 2004, Haiti Earthquake 2010 – the people in these areas have had their lives utterly disrupted – there’s no question that they have it bad.
But it doesn’t lessen the suffering of the people living with decades of drought, starvation, disease and corrupt governments in Africa.
These just make for sexier headlines because they are big events rather than a continous reality of multiple generations.
And neither of these conditions reduce the suffering of a middle class western person who’s just had a death in their family or circle of friends or lost their job or some other traumatizing event.
Calling a comparason between a person and vague others tends to have the effect of making a person feel guilty for feeling bad when “others have it worse”.
Isn’t that the opposite effect of what the phrase is supposed to accomplish?