Professional Relationships and Networking

Grief varies according to community norms and standards

Nina’s review: this book can save your life and the lives of others. guaranteed

The Gift of Fear
by Gavin de Becker


Available at | Available on Kindle

An instant #1 National Bestseller, The Gift of Fear reveals practical lessons from Gavin de Becker’s decades of studying violence. The book appeared on the New York Times bestseller list for seventeen weeks and has been published in 13 languages.  In 2008, Oprah Winfrey did a special show commemorating the 10th Anniversary of its publication, and the book was featured several other times on her show, as well as two full hours on Larry King Live, three weeks in a row on Prime Time Live, two center pages in Time Magazine, among many others.

Today, a decade after its first publication, AMAZON’s list of the 25 Bestselling Self-defense books shows The Gift of Fear at #1 in the world, with editions of the book also appearing on the list as #4, #7, and #22.

In The Gift of Fear, de Becker draws on his extensive expertise to explode the myth that most violent acts are random and unpredictable and shows that they usually have discernible motives and are preceded by clear warning signs. Through dozens of compelling stories from his own career and life, he unravels the complexities of violent behavior and details the pre-incident indicators (PINs) that can determine if someone poses a danger to us. Readers learn how to:

  • Recognize the survival signals that warn us about risk from strangers
  • Rely on their intuition
  • Separate real from imagined danger
  • Predict Dangerous Behavior
  • Evaluate whether someone will use violence
  • Move beyond denial so that their intuition works for them

Offering in-depth solutions to people who are dealing with domestic abuse or workplace violence or who are the targets of unwanted pursuit, de Becker also provides unique insight into death threats, stalkers, assassins, children who kill, and mass killers. After reading The Gift of Fear, individuals will be able to confidently answer life’s highest-stakes questions:

  • Will the employee I must fire react violently?
  • How should I handle the person who refuses to let go?
  • What is the best way to respond to threats?
  • What are the dangers posed by strangers?
  • How can I help my loved ones be safer?

The Gift of Fear is an important book about human behavior, one which has left millions of readers stronger and safer.

What others have said about The Gift of Fear:

Casey Gwinn
City Attorney, San Diego
“Gavin de Becker moves the reader from victim to victor as he identifies the God-given abilities we all have to avoid the risk posed by the predators in our Society. The real life stories in The Gift of Fear create the picture better than any camera ever could.”
Linda A. Fairstein
Sex Crimes Prosecutor and Author
“An important and provocative book which offers real solutions to problems of fear and personal violence – from an expert who knows the territory and explodes the myths. I know The Gift of Fear will be a terrific resource for me – and, I hope, for millions of readers.”
Marcia Clark:
“In my 14 years as a prosecutor, crime victims or their loved ones have always asked me, “What could I have done to prevent this?” The Gift of Fear is the first book that answers that question. It teaches you how to tap into and act on the subtle warning signs that herald danger. Gavin de Becker’s brilliant insights and encyclopedic familiarity with the minds of criminals have made powerful contributions to the successful prosecution of many cases, including mine, and now he shares that knowledge with his readers.”
Robert Ressler
FBI Behavioral Scientist
Author of “Whoever Fights Monsters”
“A modern-day survival manual for everyone in our society, uniquely and firmly founded on Gavin de Becker’s extensive experience, and on his own life. This book contains wisdom that transcends traditional approaches to violence.”
Meryl Streep
“A thorough and compassionate primer for people concerned about their safety and the safety of their families. This book not only empowers the reader, it also captures your attention and doesn’t let it go until the end.”
Scott Gordon
Chairman, Domestic Violence Council
“…tackles the hard questions about living in America today. It should be read by everyone who wants to triumph over fear.”
Daniel Petrocelli
Lead Plaintiff counsel
Goldman v. Simpson
“Gavin de Becker’s book is the first to explain that our powers of intutition are the best protection we have against violence.”
Erika Holzer
Lawyer and author of “Eye For An Eye”
“…a tour de force: riveting, instructive, a book that dissects the phenomenon of violence, unravels its mysteries, and shows us how to prevail.”
Rochelle Udell
SELF Magazine
The Gift of Fear is an important story with a powerful message, a story every woman must read.”

Confronting haters on their justifications

additional note:

their church is below 40 people, all related by blood or marriage, so they don’t recruit and while people seem to support their freedom of speech, no one is lining up to join them. so that’s something at least. so far, they have not been allowed to cross into Canada to stage their little theatrics. every time they announce they are going to try, Canada tightens the border security. they and their ilk are not welcome here, we are a multicultural society and we have hate speech legislation. because freedom of speech is not unlimited and there are responsibilities that come with it. and advocating genocide and blaming groups of people for natural events like disasters or for the tragic and predictable outcomes of war…….. seriously…..word just fail.

Godbots and Greif II

One of the issues that Godbots will try to use to demonstrate atheism is inadequate is the scenario of parents with a dead child.

It’s visceral, painful and easily empathized with.

The mistake is that you, as the person speaking to the grieving parents, are not responsible to explain anything to them. You can’t. You can only comfort as best as you can.

Lying to people, giving false comfort, isn’t doing the grievors any favours. It’s actually a little evil to use personal tragedies to advance your own agenda.

The best that anyone can say to anyone who’s grieving,  is “I am sorry for your loss.”

Followed by an offer to provide whatever assistance that you actually can do – bring food, help with arrangements, do errands or just stay away and give the grieving  time.

Why would telling silly stories about living in the clouds be at all comforting to the parents of a dead child?

“They are in a better place” Nonsense, the best place is with their family.

“They are out of pain” they are also now out of the joys of living.

“They are with god”. Then god’s a jerk for taking the child. If god called them home, doesn’t that make god a kidnapper?

That the parents – or anyone who’s lost someone they love – are grieving is because they know that person is gone.

Not somewhere else, not merely out of pain, not in a better place, but gone.

If people who claim belief in an afterlife really believed that the afterlife was real, then they wouldn’t be grieving – they would be happy that their loved one was in a better place.

You don’t grieve for people in a better place than yourself. Miss them, sure, but not grieve. Death, to someone who believes, shouldn’t be any worse than sending your kid out of state to college.

It’s believers who have to tell themselves stories to cope with the uncertainties of reality. You tell yourselves that:

  • you are part of a larger plan to make yourself feel important and connected – and more, to try to give a reason to the events in your life

But, if you want to know why things happen, then look to your own decisions – the things that happen are the consequences of the decisions you make and the decisions of the people you interact with and encounter

  • there’s a magical and powerful being looking out for you and caring about you

But, you have to convince yourself of the greater plan in order to explain away painful and negative things – after all, why would such a powerful and loving deity let bad things happen?

A loving and powerful person doesn’t let bad things happen that they could prevent, so this is explained away with the undefined plan – which is little more than Scarlett O’Hara’s “I’ll think about it tomorrow”

You’ve told yourselves is story and you have to keep making excuses and adding patches to hold the story together – but it doesn’t hold.

This is what makes believers angry and needing to force others to buy into the same story; partly to validate the belief and partly to end challenges to it that can’t defended against.

Believers tell  another lie and to make them feel good about thinking poorly of others that they are lesser people – immoral, close minded, perpetual teenagers in rebellion.

The reality is that people who are outside of the norm have done a lot more thinking about life and themselves than any mainstream believer who has never considered not accepting the cultural context determined default setting.

People outside of their cultural norms have found the default setting wrong for them and found their own settings. Sort of like the difference of installing software the express default way – or working though the various install options in the customized and expert menu option.