TV Made Me…

INT. THEATER STAGE. NON-TIME

A TV showing only static sits on a stool. The TV is the only source of light.

A woman steps in front of the TV, backlight.

KATE
Television. TV. Boob tube, idiot
box, electronic babysitter.

Kate pulls up a stool, her face sidelight by the TV. Slowly the theatre lights come up.

KATE
I love it. I can watch it all the
time. Okay, I do watch it all the
time. I can’t get enough.

INT. KATE’S LIVINGROOM. NIGHT.

Kate watches TV, flipping too fast for the images or sound to register.

KATE (VO)
Sitcoms, dramas, well except all
the Law and Order spin offs; I’m a
bit of a purist. But it’s not all
escapist; I watch the documentary
channels. It doesn’t even matter
what it’s about: endangered
animals, organized crime, ancient
civilizations, energy efficient non
polluting fuels.

INT. THEATER STAGE. NON-TIME

Kate slinks around the stage, as if stalking prey.

KATE
I’m what you’d call an information sponge.
(horny)
I’m a ravenous consumer, a bottomless pit, an unrepentant
couch potato,
(orgasmic)
I am the market they can’t glut.
(beat)
But I am on to them. I got it
soused. TV shows are not about
making you think, not really.

INT. KATE’S LIVINGROOM. NIGHT.

Kate pauses in her channel flipping and stares at the camera.

KATE
Okay, well, if they lose on the Law
and Order, I think, “Wow, that’s
unusual.”

Kate looks at her watch and jumps out of the chair, knocking the remote to the floor.

INT. THEATER STAGE. NON-TIME

KATE
But that’s where it stops. TV Shows
follow too far behind the real
social trends to be cutting edge or
thought provoking. Even the ones
described as edgy.
(beat)
No, what drives and guides our
dreams and ambitions, maybe not
make you think, but they get inside
your head, make you react and want
and lust and crave and spend money.

INT. KATE’S BATHROOM. NIGHT

Kate’s hand reaches from behind a several shower curtains to get one of four towels on different style hooks.

KATE (VO)
That’s when they know it works, you
spend money.

Kate steps out, covered. She moves to the sink where there are a half dozen toothbrushes, toothpaste, deodorants, other toiletries and a small TV showing Kate modelling various household products.

INT. THEATER STAGE. NON-TIME

KATE
Commercials. Yeah, TV commercials.
How many times, have you been
sitting at home, minding your own
business, and suddenly, you’re
hungry for no reason?
(beat)
I mean, you just had dinner and now
you’re hungry? Why?
(increasing lust)
That pizza on TV, maybe it’s a
burger. A big juicy, greasy salty
burger, with fries, and a jumbo
drink. You can pretend you’re going
there for the salad with grilled
chicken, but I know what’s in your
heart – and really is in your
arteries too. But, this is not a
health lecture, this is about TV. I
love it.

INT. KATE’S BEDROOM. NIGHT.

Kate has 6 different major clothing store chain outfits with distinct looks. She is unable to select one.

KATE (VO)
I don’t even like to go out anymore
because it takes me away from TV. I
mean, yeah…

A TV on the dresser shows Kate posing sexually with cars and very male identified products.

INT. THEATER STAGE. NON-TIME

KATE
I know I can tape the show, I got a
VCR, and it’s not even blinking 12,
12, 12, 12. I can use it. But,
taping….okay I tape something and
then what?
I mean, what I am going to miss
that’s on right now when I’m
watching the tape that I can
theoretically see any time? You can
see my dilemma.
But I digress.
INT. KATE’S KITCHEN. NIGHT.

Outfit selected, Kate tidies her kitchen. A half dozen different dish soapbottles vie for space against the backsplash.

A small TV on the fridge shows Kate re-enacting cleaners commercials.

KATE (VO)
TV Commercials. We know they work
because we buy the shit. Shit we
didn’t know existed in that many
flavours that we now can’t live
without because we’ve seen the
commercial.

INT. THEATER STAGE. NON-TIME

KATE
But why does it work? Does one
vacuum really work better than
another? Does one cleanser really
get the counters or your clothes
cleaner?
How much cleaner do things need to
be? Does it matter how many people
like one soft drink if you just
really like the other? What if you
only need 300 mg of headache
relief? Now you gotta cut those
little pills in half.
Should we care? No, because it’s
not really about any of those
things. Commercials are really not
about moving units of products.

Kate appears as Betty Page and other classic sex goddesses on the stage TV.

KATE
I mean, on one level yes, but what
the commercials are really saying,
what the real message is…If you
use our product, you can get laid.

Kate gives a sweet and innocent look, then LAUGHS and grows cynical.

KATE
That’s why we care about the bright
white smile, the fresh breath, the
not stinky or hairy armpits – the
cool car to get you noticed. All
commercials are about is sex –
getting the girl. Use our product,
get laid. Use our product so you
don’t stink anywhere on your
person, you’ll get some.

INT. KATE’S KITCHEN. NIGHT.

DOORBELL

Kate straights up, excited and runs to the front door.

KATE (VO)
Use our product to be the whitest
and brightest yourself, your house,
your car, and it’s nookie time.

INT. THEATER STAGE. NON-TIME

KATE
Use our product to attract
attention to yourself, clothes,
cars, whatever, and it’s Pussyville
population you!
So, what I’m saying, what I’m
really saying is, I watch a lot of
TV, so, it’s TV. It’s not nature or
nurture, it’s TV.

INT. FRONT DOOR. NIGHT

Kate opens to door to a hot butch babe, holding an assortment of lube brands.

KATE
TV made me gay!