I am not like most lesbians or most women – I love men.
It even says right in the baby book that my Mom kept and wrote in her handwriting:
“Nina prefers to be held by men than women”
So I was a tomboy – girls didn’t interest me because boys had the better toys and more interesting activities – but boys were silly and ridiculous things, who didn’t know how to communicate with girls.
And I watched how silly girls were with how they communicated with boys.
Teasing, hitting instead of hitting on, ridiculous games to hide their true intention and interests – so it was preferable for me to focus on books and school work, because that was comprehensible to me – and my peers never were interesting or comprehensible to me – at any age.
So it was funny to me in elementary school, when I was held back a grade because of concerns over my socialization – and my friends have always been older than me.
Interestingly, my sister remembers that it was her who was supposed to be skipped a grade, but wasn’t because of concerns over the two of us being in the same grade.
I don’t recall this, but it has a familiar ring to it – and I suspect – that we had both been contenders for skipping grades but when I didn’t get skipped, they could hardly then skip my sister a grade.
My sister did best in classes and in schools when we moved, when I had not preceded her so she got to shine for the teacher in her own spotlight – and she didn’t do as well as when her classroom debut followed my spotlight – and I was my own follow spot operator and the star of my show.
Ridiculous Concerns since my sister and I had a solid relationship – I was the eldest and she was my younger sister – we worked as a team – and together, we would have blown the bell curve distribution of grades out the window.
So, the real reason to my mind of not putting us together – was that this was the 70’s and our separate academic standing in our respective classes – basically caused a self-esteem challenge for the regular kids – because in an age where participation was rewarded above achievements – what I learned was that being smart meant you were left out.
The For Dummies line of books is for average people not dumb people – and those of us who aren’t dummies or average – are left out of a lot of cultural and social participation. And, beleive me, we prefer it that way. so no complaint here about not being a Mundane – what scifi geeks call non-geeks and you might be more familiar with the Potterverse version – Muggles.
and I was introduced to that concept with a book I read in elementary school The Gammage Cup – with the Character Muggles and the tale of the Minipins who ignored history and prefered their comforting lies and lives that they needes to be saved by 5 outcasts who saw as truel as Anna and her Mister God or the Littlest Prince – and is the actual book and story telling tradition that the Harry Potter books were copied from.
Sort of like that woman who sued Spielberg for his African Slave Trade follow up to Schindler’s List – who sued for his using material included in her book when his source was the original text that she had lifted the material from for her own book.
History belongs to all humans, not just the ones who write it down to make a buck.
To me, it always seemed that school was primarily a baby sitting service so that parents could go to work – in an educationally experimental school – Richard McBride Elementary in New Westminster – we often had work at your own pace projects – in fact – in third grade – we were given a modular work book and given 12 weeks to complete the assignments – an experiment in time management, unaccountably and a measurement of character and many other things.
I completed the entire workbook in 1 week and had 11 weeks to bring books from home – my Dad’s 1950s through 1970s science fiction novels – I adored Marion Zimmer Bradley’s Darkover series especially during these years – and in particular – the Darkover Amazons.
That’s when I remember the discussions at school between my teacher and the principal – because no one expected a third grader to do all the work upfront until completed without distraction – giving me 11 weeks of self-directed free time, while my peers played and delayed getting started because they had 12 weeks – meaning 11 weeks of not working and cramming the last week to complete the work.
Reverse engineering baby, it’s what UFOs conspiracies are always on about – but you don’t need to beleive in UFOs to benefit from being able to reverse engineer – critical project management principles – that I learned in the workplace as a adult – to do what I have done naturally, since childhood.
So – this was about men and women – and I had to first show – what kind of a kid that I was – so you can understand this specific and particular woman – this smock/lab coat tomboy turned lesbian – and who has always told people that I was an atheist – because on the balance of probability, there is no god.
But, I am a naturalist – and science is the study of nature – but Buddhism is the practice of nature – and there is no deity in Buddhism. I am a naturalist – I study nature and I practice naturalism – as a scientific Buddhist, without the trappings of spiritualism or self-centered enlightenment – I am the Buddha who would demand monks work and not beg for their own supper.
So, men and women – whom I watched as my peers in childhood and was perplexed by the hitting of each other when you meant to hit upon each other – and I liked boy’s energy and activities – but not how boys behaved towards each other or towards girls.
And I did not like how girls who liked boys behaved.
But I did like other tomboys and how we behaved and what we understood of the world – the ying and the yang of the whole universe.
And, given the state of things between men and women – the continued lack of ability to communicate clearly about ourselves and our needs and have them met and all the games that women and men play with or at each other.
It’s exhausting – and I have to ask – when you have to be so careful and competitive with each other – what’s intimacy and trust can exist between you that can lead to mutually orgasmic sex – when both people are looking out for number 1 – and they go to sleep after they get their small little 1 or they have to fake their one shot at getting one –
it’s no wonder that some heterosexuals want to keep marriage for themselves and exclude other people – because they have confused the context of the relationship (partnered for life in marriage) – with the substance of the relationship – partners for life.
So my spouse and I are lesbians and we’re married – we live in Canada – but marriage equality in law – it’s cost us as a community too much, as a nation too much – because that piece of paper didn’t make me and The Spouse partners for life – to us – we got married in 1994 at Vancouver’s Gay Pride Parade – with my parents in attendance – by the office coordinator of the Vancouver Lesbian Centre.
You don’t get more lesbian married than that – and lesbians are nothing if not process junkies.
We exchanged real rings, not the provided toy ones – and to me – we’ve been married ever since that summer day – and that we were legally recognized as common law married in 2000 and then legally married in 2004 – neither of those made us any more married to each other just because now our employers included us in employee benefit plans or that more family and fiends were around to witnesses the legalization and codification of our existing partnership for life.
So here’s why I picked women over men:
All women (XX) are sexually flexible, it’s men (XY) who are hardwired or rather, have only half and ¾ of the wiring that women have – and I chose to be a lesbian, because one loving relationship can make up for a lifetime of hurtful ones – but only if the survivor of those hurts – is willing to be healed by love – is willing to trust – that I have their best interests in mind and at heart – because the only times that my heart was ever broken – was when my love was not trusted and I can be trusted completely – to do the right thing for the most number of people – the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one.
But only when, the one is a willing sacrifice – and not when the interests of the many result in the sacrificing of the few or the one – because sacrificing others is admitting the unjustness of the interest of the many proving the need for minority rights protection of the few from the many.
We do not have to individually assert under the law, what we have collectively established as the law of the land. Rights need to be protected and asserted – not exercised – because by having to assert rights individually or as couples or as a special interest human rights group (as opposed to a special interest commercial or particular interest lobby group) that all others can take as a given – means that your rights are being withheld, illegally and immorally.
by a majority who is claiming to be moral, when by their actions, they demonstrate they have no moral or legal or logical or reasonable leg to stand on
and we say men are chromasomally an X Y
but that’s because we can’t use English letters to show that men are X X
only the second X is missing a leg –
Women have 100% complete chromosome coding
and Men have half and three-quarters
linear representation
I think it explains why men are action/ linear – dom/sub – thinkers
and women are linguist/group oriented multi-taskers – who can dom and sub at the same time.
so – to all those men that I met who thought that I was blue eyed and blonde haired with big boobs – sorry, I didn’t notice your interest in me because of the indirect way you expressed your male interest or the grossness of the way male interests is expressed.
And – to all those woman in university who told me that they were lesbians and I said “Neat” and then carried on with whatever the intellectual conversation was that we were having and you were starting into my grey eyes flecked with blue and brown and green – and are now also flecked with lavender streaks – sorry, I was totally into you – and could have been any one of yours – if only – you hadn’t been like sheep and waiting for someone else to make a move.
And I have always been contented to be alone so have rarely ever been interested in anyone and have never been shy about being into anyone – so had I understood that by telling me you were a lesbian – which, well, duh, I knew that – you meant that you were wanting to know if I was also a lesbian, well duh yes, that’s how you knew you could tell me – because I was so obviously a lesbian – but I didn’t know that you meant by saying :”I’m a lesbian:” that you meant you were into me and offering yourself to me to get into.
Poor communication and unclear messages = missed opportunity – and I dont’ regret anyone that I missed out on – because if you could not clearly indicate “Interested” – then there was no hope that anything could happen and I do not miss what I do not have – life is a all you can eat buffet and there’s so many tasty people to choose from – that I have no time for dishes that hang out in the back row hoping to be noticed.
Because, as the first women that I had sex with – after weeks of steamy flirting and friendship that I thought was safe because she was dating a male friend of mine – so was off limits to me – proclaimed:
Oh my fucking god, if I don’t make a move on you, nothing is ever going to happen.
So, she made a move and I made a bad decision and a bad choice, but I realized the error of my ways and I moved on to better people, wiser from learning from my mistake – friendships endure, but only so much.
And she taught me a lot about life and wounded people and how misery loves company and how people are the source of their own misery – because she played games like any girl – and I was not like any other person she’d ever met.
I am that rare – positive predator who believes in leaving someone or some where in a better state than when I encountered it – and this woman – later married the first nice guy that she was able to get to saying yes – and made his life a whatever she made it – so thank you Canada for not allowing gay marriage in 1992, when I would have been the one that Elvis sang about in his favorite RCA release – which was not the biggest seller or even the A side, but rather, my favorite Elvis song because it was his favorite song – the B side to Heartbreak Hotel: I Was The One
and Elvis resisted learning this lesson – because if he had – he would have married Ann-Margaret – and I could have been their child – but Elvis – married Priscilla and they had Lisa Marie – so I was born – January 19, 1968 – In Canada to my parents and in a family that is Canada’s middle class Kennedys – all the scandals and none of the money
Nina's Garden 